Good-bye to The Crap American

Well The Crap American is gone, taking with him my main source of entertainment. I will miss his quirky ways, but not necessarily him. I will miss the way he would grunt his hellos, the way he would have his dinner prepared just in time to eat while watching The Simpsons at 5pm, the way he would chase flies around the house with a rolled up trashy tabloid magazine and scream ‘DIE DIE DIE’ as he pummeled their bodies with Paris Hilton’s face and I will miss the way he would roll his eyes at me and walk away when I started talking complete nonsense about a variety of useless topics just so I could get him to leave me alone. With Rob gone now I have realized something very important, something life changing really; I’ve realized that I am so desperate for entertainment here in Crappalvania that I became dependent on someone who was morally bankrupt and in serious need of an ass kicking. For shame!

There are three other people in the house right now, but none of them are entertaining. Ok, let’s be honest, they are just plain boring. There is a fellow from India, Girish, who does not speak the best English but I give him two points for trying. He works the graveyard shift at the big crap hotel in town and therefore sleeps all day. When I do see him we exchange pleasantries and he does his best to communicate with me and I with him but stuff just gets lost in translation and for all I know I have agreed to be his bride.

Then there is Sonja from Switzerland. She too cannot speak English and does in fact speak less than Girish; something I didn’t think was possible. She works the evening shift at a local crap restaurant and watches TV every other hour she is not sleeping. I figure it is an attempt to learn English because NO ONE could be that enthralled with daytime TV in New Zealand. It is full of cheesy American infomercials from about 2 years ago and heaps of those Time Life music compilation offers. You know the ones I am talking about: Hits of the 80’s, The Ultimate Singer/Songwriter Collection and The World’s Greatest Love Songs just to name a few. I almost half expect her to come running up to me one day and say “BUT WAIT! CALL NOW AND WE’LL KNOCK $10 OFF THE PRICE!” It would be a pleasant change from the usual nothing I get from her. I say hello and she smiles and runs away. I tend to have that affect on people.

Finally there is Aimee. She is from Germany and can speak English but out of all three of them I wish she was the one that couldn’t. Funny how life works. Aimee is negative about everything and has no problem spreading her frustration, especially to those who are not the least bit interested. I have tried to take into account that many words and sentences translated from German into English often sound abrupt and rude, but she is just abusing it! A friendly ‘good morning’ will get you “Ueck! Vat is so gooood aboat it?” She rambles on in German to Sonja and Sonja quietly responds in German then Aimee continues only now she is slamming her fist down on her open palm and spitting while she speaks. I could make a Hitler reference here, but I’m not going to. Good thing Sonja is from a neutral country.

So now that The Crap American has headed for a 6 week stint in Australia working on a farm before he goes home, I am left with no one to play with. I have taken to entertaining myself with writing, painting, reading road signs, BBQing all my food no matter what the weather, barnyard animal origami, throwing rocks at loud tourists and harassing people via email. Life is sweet.