The Retrun Of The Crap American

I have been in email contact with The Crap American since he left. He sends an email telling me where he is, how hot and sunny the weather is and where he is going next. I usually respond with comments about the weather here and veiled remarks about where I think he should go if he likes the heat so damn much.

The Crap American is back in America after stints in Australia and Fiji. He is staying with his parents in San Diego until he can sort out what he wants to do next. His sister lives in Orlando Florida and I once suggested he apply to be a character at Disney World so he could spread his special brand of happiness to children everywhere. My totally serious suggestion was dismissed with cold silence and a steely glare. They could have created a new character just for him, something like The Surly Skunk or The Morally Bankrupt Baboon. You know, something for the kids to kick around while the parents stand in line to buy a Dixie cup of watered down lemonade for $11.
So out of the blue the other day I received an email from a lodge/hostel in Colorado seeking a reference for Rob as he had applied for a house keeping job with them. They wanted to know if he could work with a diverse mixture of people. I laughed so hard I shot milk I had drank 3 weeks ago, out of my nose.

This is what I wanted to say:
“A diverse mix of people? HAHAHAHA! You’d be better off locking him under the stairs with a broom and dustpan than letting him anywhere near the general public.
On one hand Rob would be a good worker for you because he would just put his head down and get the job done without protest but on the other hand exposing him to people and expecting him to talk and make pleasant conversation could result in many guests lodging complaints or worse yet killing him. Do you want the blood of The Crap American on your hands?”

But in the end I reworded bits and pieces to make it a little more professional and a little less ‘He Should Be in a Mental Institute’. The Crap American will be putting me down as a reference on any job application he fills out and if I was so inclined I could destroy his chances at getting those jobs because he really is an unlikable jerk, but like Peter Parker’s Uncle Ben in the movie Spiderman says: “With great power comes great responsibility.” I will always be fair to Rob even though I know he’d not be far to me if the circumstances were reversed.

Don’t get me wrong though, given the chance, I’d beat him senseless and dump his body in the forest for the insects and animals to polish off.