The McFattersons' Magical Noise Making Bed

Is it any surprise I hate the noisy bitch that lives above me? Well when you take into consideration my recent Crap House experiences and the fact that this woman married a 300lbs Walrus while I was in New Zealand, no, it isn’t.

When I say 300lbs walrus I know you think I am exaggerating, but I assure you I am not. Sure he doesn’t sun himself on any nearby rocks or gorge himself on fresh flapping fish straight from the sea but he does bellow like a Walrus and he certainly does flop around on the deck above me like one. I have only seen him once, on their deck, and he quickly slipped back through the sliding doors when he saw me, giving him a sort of Big Foot / Sasquatch myth to his existence.
I see her quite often, but not as much as I hear her yelling down from her deck to fellow residents she knows as they enter the building.

“Hi! How was your weekend? Ours was great. We went out on the boat. Oh did you know that we own a boat now? It’s fabulous. I could just lay on that boat for the rest of my life. It’s fabulous, our boat. The weather was gorgeous while we were out on our boat. We would live on our boat all the time if we could. Our boat is just fabulous!”

What is the deal with these boat owners anyway? I am happy for you that you have accumulated enough money to be able to purchase and maintain such a fabulous boat but do I have to hear about your feckin’ boat as you tell everyone you know who enters the building? I have a black and white menacing cat who jumps up on the counter and steals tuna right out of my sandwich when my back is turned but you don’t hear me telling the world how fabulous that is.

When ever I see this woman I am reminded why the cosmetics industry is a billion dollar business. She is in her late 40’s early 50’s and probably owns around 134 products which she wears all at the same time. She sports clothes suited for a 20 year old and displays her cleavage like raw salmon at a sushi bar. Her hair is always highlighted blonde and done up like a brown football helmet. She is always polite but her demeanor reeks of ultra snobby sophistication and her greetings are less genuine than mine!

So what is the problem I can hear you asking? Well let’s set aside the noises such as walking on the hardwood floors at 6am with high heels, the constant dragging of the patio chairs across the deck and the 11pm Linda Ronstadt concerts blaring from their stereo and concentrate on the bigger problem: the squeaky bed. Ok ok, I know where all your minds have jumped to and you should all be ashamed of yourselves because it’s not that. These people do not have sex on their squeaky bed, in fact, as far as I know they don’t have sex at all. If they are having sex then it’s on some other piece of furniture and judging by the size Wally the Walrus up there they don’t have it for very long.

The issue is when Fatty McFatterson rolls out of bed at like 3am to hit the toilet the sound that penetrates the ceiling and my earplugs would be the same as finger nails on a chalkboard amplified 100 times. It is a sound that not only wakes you up from a dead sleep but also prevents you from getting back to sleep because then he has to get back on the bed and spends about 10 minutes readjusting his fat ass for comfort. The sound is so disturbing that a peaceful night’s sleep is now out of the question. To add to all this nonsense Fatty McFatterson often works from home and spends his days rolling on and off the bed. It is like Japanese water torture.

I have already written a letter (I’m so polite) asking them to address the issue and another one is on the way with the threat of taking my complaint to the Strata Council. These two already have 2 other noise complaints filed against them from other neighbors and a third would mean they get a fine. I’ve had to file a complaint against them before because they sweep their deck off onto mine and dump water from their plants over the side (all against the by-laws). They only do it occasionally now. I so love the uselessness of Strata Councils.

The next time I hear that woman yell down to someone about their fabulous boat, I may suggest that her and the Walrus move onto the boat permanently and take their squeaky bed with them and hopefully they won’t sink to the bottom of sea and disturb more of God’s creatures with their inconsiderate waffling.