The Crap American

Within the little crap house lives a crap American fellow. We’ll call him Rob, his real name, because there are no innocents here. A most peculiar person is Rob. He is the first person I have ever met whose motives are thoroughly selfish. I mean REALLY selfish. He is an introvert’s introvert who would rather read a book about Hitler’s scientists than participate in a conversation with another human being, unless it served an entirely selfish purpose. Every person who has moved into the crap house and had to share space with Rob always has the same comments about him: “He is so weird and unfriendly.” “I think he purposely tries to piss me off!” “He only watches The Simpsons and during the commercials he mutes the TV and reads a book. Why?” and my personal favorite “I hate that fucking asshole.”

Rob has managed to drive out 4 of the 6 people who’ve moved into the crap house because of his behavior. Lucky for me, no, lucky for Rob, I don’t really have to deal with him because I have my own crap area. Otherwise Rob’s parents and a team of crack investigators would be searching for his remains right at this moment.

As much as find his attitude and actions towards others atrocious, I find his character fascinating. Funny enough, I am the only person who can get along with Rob and in fact I am the only person in this crap town who actually speaks to him. People are mystified by this and the only explanation I can give them is that I accept him for the big jerk he is, I don’t have to share a bathroom with him, I don’t try to change him and I am honest with him about all of it. If he is being a dickhead, I ask him to explain himself and of course he has some very rational reason. One I know he has been just waiting to use. Rob is a self proclaimed social outcast and as far as I can tell totally okay with it.

Rob is actually the only person I have met here who is real. He has flaws upon his faults, a rabid dislike of almost everything and everyone and will probably be killed by a young emotionally fucked young girl whose food he steals and replaces with the equivalent dollar value in change (something he has in fact done). I don’t really like Rob and he probably doesn’t care for me either (I suspect because I purposely talk to him about stupid things so he’ll get pissed off) but in this crap town and crap house we have formed not a lasting friendship but one dependant on the other person to confirm their suspicions that somewhere out there are people who suck far worse than we do.