The Top Five Most Stupid Questions I Get At Reception OR The Top Five Answers Why I Should Be Paid Not To Work In Customer Service:

5. How far is town from here? – I’ve noticed people are getting lazier these days. There is a growing obsession with the walking distance of restaurants and sights of interest. Everything in this town worth seeing is no more than 10 minutes walk, yet people scoff at having to walk anything over 5. When asked this question, depending on my mood, I will answer ‘We are in the town.’ Because quite simply, WE ARE. The thermal pools (the main attraction) are a 6 minute walk from the hostel. I timed it myself and I day dream when I walk, plus I have no legs (I am all knees and ankles and I am deadly serious) so it would probably take the average person 3 minutes, yet a 20 second drive is more appealing to some of our guests.

4. Do you sell blocks of cheese? – When I was asked this question, I paused before replying. I in fact paused for so long that the person asked me again. Granted, some hostels carry a wide range of items you can purchase behind reception, but if you took a moment and looked at our little shop you would come to the conclusion that we missed the UN Food Drop and are surviving off of stuff we found on the ground. The Crappensteins have lost interest in replenishing our stock and have banned me from buying anything. I am looking at our shelves right now, and this is exactly what I am seeing: 1 Bounty Chocolate Bar, 1 Piece of Russian Fudge, 3 packages of beef flavored instant noodles that expired long ago, several packs of single serving raspberry jam, several packs of single serving Vegemite (if you do not know what this is, go outside and lick the pavement, it tastes the same as that) and random packs of tea, coffee, sugar and drinking chocolate. Our mini fridge fairs a bit better and has many cans of Coke, Sprite and Orange Fanta. The Crappensteins have their freezer in the reception area and I have often been tempted to sell the guests steak, frozen peas and pails of ice cream. The only thing I have left to sell at reception that is any good is my soul and only half of that is available right now and it is not cheap.

3. What is the weather like outside? - This is the question that embodies all things lazy and all things obtuse. The reception area is 3 steps from the front doors. The front doors are glass. Now I’m not always the sharpest knife in the drawer but even I can figure this one out. I can only give a blank stare and point in the direction of the glass doors. Surprisingly this does the trick. I’m pretty shocked when these people don’t need me to take them outside by the hand and show them the weather.

2 and 1. Do You Have Any Vacancy? – (This is such a big one it deserves two spots.) A valid question I agree, but not when there are four posted signs between the parking lot and reception saying ‘NO VACANCY’. I have watched people read the no vacancy sign, pause, then come to reception and ask me if I have a double room. Then there is this: “I noticed the no vacancy sign, so does that mean you don’t have any rooms for tonight?” These questions are not coming from non English reading individuals either; they are coming from people who should know better. I want to instigate a system of changing the behavior of these people because you just know they are this bothersome in other areas of their life too. I want to use negative reinforcement, you know, like when the mouse goes for the cheese but gets an electric shock. The mouse might go for that cheese 1 or 2 more times but eventually it learns that it is a bad choice. I want to hit with a baseball bat the guests who come in and ask for accommodation when clearly there is no vacancy. It would discourage them from going to other business with no vacancy and asking the same question. It may sound violent and it may sound like I should up my medication but think about it, I would be doing the crap community a great service.