DETOX: coming soon

When I hear the word detox, I immediately think about a long stay at a facility with serene colored walls, foods that are green and dark green and nice people who talk in quiet gentle voices with uncomplicated names such as Ann, John, Sally and Tom.
Nooooooo I have never been to one of these facilities, I have, however, been to many other facilities, many that have been glad to see me leave. Shogun All You Can Eat Sushi for one. If you don’t want me to eat all your sushi don’t advertise all you can eat Sushi. I really can’t be much clearer than that.

Anyway, I have been feeling really run down lately. I’m not sleeping well, work has been keeping me so busy I am exhausted the moment I wake up and I have had a migraine for 4 days. I actually pulled off a 15 minute cat nap at reception the other day and I am usually nap impaired; can’t nap to save my life. I haven’t been eating well either because I am too tired to prepare anything. I have been surviving on soup, crackers, orange peppers, cereal and processed cheese. It hasn’t been pretty.

For two years now I have been obsessed with my bowel movements because I saw a segment on some TV show about waste and toxins inside your body and how if you don’t ‘dump’ at least once a day your chances for colon cancer are greater. I am a diligent consumer of fiber and bran and drink lots of water to flush out my system. It’s true; I am no fun on long car trips.

I was in a heath food store about 2 weeks ago looking for this product I saw advertised on TV called Inner Health Plus. Basically one dosage of this stuff is the equivalent of 22 tubs of yogurt minus the sugar etc. It’s all about restoring the good bacteria (primadophilus) in your system after beating it to death with bad food, alcohol and pollution. Well they didn’t have exactly what I was looking for so I walked away with a detoxification program. It is a program that will encourage the cleansing of impurities and toxins through my bowel. You tell yourself you didn’t need to know that, but really you did.

This is no walk in the park program either, like I was hoping. It is 15 day pill popping journey into the bowels of naturopathic and wholistic natural health, pun intended. I will have to consume 158 pills (3 different kinds) in the 15 days and I am restricted to eating and drinking certain foods and beverages that will assist in this process. In other words, I have to give up boozing until 4am and eating pebbles.

The little instruction booklet gives you a list of the foods you should avoid and of course everything on that list is what I normally eat. It also gives you a list of what you are supposed to eat. One word comes to mind when I see the list of foods: rabbit. I am going to be eating like a fucking bunny rabbit for 15 days. I can only have all fruits and vegetables, fish, nuts and seeds, beans, whole grains, fermented dairy products in moderation and lots and lots of water.

Why am I doing this? For amusement of course!
Stay tuned! The affect on my body is going to be pure entertainment I’m sure!