One Day, The World Will Kiss My Ass

Recently, an older co-worker said to me “Getting old is like reaching the end of the toilet paper roll – the closer you get, the faster it goes.” I find this a little scary because I find time already goes by so quickly. I’ve been thinking a great deal lately about when I am an old bitty. You think I’m a pain in the ass now – just wait until I can behave like the world owes me something for making it past 70.

I’ll cut into line-ups and pretend I don’t see you there because my peripheral vision is shot. Even though I’ve shrunk and stand at 4’11 I am going to drive my big car that I can’t park all over town at 20 under the posted speed limit while signaling when I am not turning and slowing to a stop when I fear the recently turned green intersection light just might change to red without a moments notice. I’ll make you open doors for me, carry my groceries out to my big car that I parked on a 90 degree angle and put them in my trunk and I won’t thank you.

I am coming to your restaurant to order items off the kids menu because the other portions are too big, and then make six substitutions because I don’t know what a chicken nugget is anymore and I’m convinced you’re trying to kill me with bad food. I’m coming into your stores to return merchandise, without a receipt, I purchased two months ago…or maybe it was three years ago… I can’t remember…I’m old! When you explain your store policy I am going to raise my voice, smash my cane against your counter, demand to see your manager and get my way because I know I can - I’m old!

I will run you ragged while you serve me, you’ll mumble under your breath about me, tell your friends the story about how this ancient cow with saggy tits and a crusty vajayjay expected you to do the job you were hired for. And all the while I watch you run around like my little bitch, I’ll be thinking about the next time I meet up with my fellow ancient cows with saggy tits and crusty vajayjays and tell them the tale of how I made this young punk with bad skin and a narrow penis work hard to find me stuff I am going to return, without a receipt, in two months… or maybe two years… I don’t know – I’m old!

To all the old people out there who participate in this kind of behavior and think it is their right to act like complete assholes to us young whipper-snappers, I just have one thing to say – good for you!